Today marks one year that I lost my baby boy. The day I lost apart of me. The worst day of my entire life. Its been a year of suffering, pain, an abundance of tears, sadness, anger, and disbelief.
I replay and replay and replay the day I lost you constantly. What went wrong? Why me? Right now, you should be with me and your daddy, alive and well. There will NEVER be a good enough reason on why you had to leave us. I wish I could reverse roles that day. I wish I died that day so that you could live. You deserved a chance to live just like everyone else, but the higher power felt differently. He made you an Angel.
Nothing is worse than having to hold your lifeless baby in your arms, and then leaving the hospital without him. I left the hospital with no answers as to why Giovanni passed away, and I’ll never know. I would do anything to have sleepless nights, baby vomit all over my shoulder, changing dirty diapers every 10 seconds.
Thankfully, John and I took off from work today for Giovanni’s one year anniversary. After a year of mourning, I realized we will never truly end that mourning for our son. You could feel the sadness and grief in the air today, with the cloudy, gray skies, and the consistent rainfall, but that didn’t stop me and John from having a nice, quiet day together.
We both awoke this morning in silence, knowing that we had to come to terms about what today meant for us. We both respected our alone time at first. John in one room, me in another, reflecting and reminiscing. Eventually, we joined together, embraced each other, and cried. I needed it and he did too. After eating breakfast, and sitting in the house, I knew we had to get out and keep ourselves busy. I didn’t care what we did as long as we did something.
We got ready for the day and went to the store and bought some stuff for the apartment, walked around and went to go eat at a beautiful Vegan/vegetarian restaurant called ” Blue Sage.” After we ate, we discovered a cute little nature center and decided to explore. I bought some crystals because I believe in the healing powers of them. Amethyst, Rose Quartz, and Crystal Clear Quartz.
All in all, today has been rough as I would imagine. I know my beautiful boy is looking down and saying, ” Don’t be sad Mommy and Daddy!” I am trying my hardest to keep going every day, but I will continue to shed tears every day for my Gio. One year without you. One year of showing my weaknesses. One year of being stronger. One year of struggle. One year of outpouring continuous love and support.