Father’s Day

Father’s day..

A day for children to appreciate their Dad’s, or guardians. A day where all you hear is, ” Happy Father’s Day!” A day where you hear what a fun filled day you had with your kids. A day where all you hear is about Dad and their kids. A day that is difficult for a grieving Father. A day that is uplifting, yet heart breaking all at the same time.

John has always been the strength in our relationship when it comes to Giovanni, but I could tell this upcoming Father’s Day was especially difficult for him. He couldn’t escape all the buzz surrounding Father’s Day. What his co-workers were going to do with their kids that day, friends, family etc. It’s hard to see any raw emotion out of John, but I could see it the week before, and on Father’s Day.

Last year, when losing our son a month before Father’s Day, everything was still a whirl wind, and we really didn’t have time to soak and absorb everything that was being thrown at us after all we had been through. With the death of Giovanni, and right after that, John’s grandfather passed suddenly, it was a lot to take in.

So, this Mother’s Day and Father’s Day really hit us with reality. It was as if jealousy, and envy had captured us on these two beautiful holidays. Jealous that we didn’t get to completely engulf ourselves with the normality of Mother’s and Father’s Day. At the same time, I felt happy that these people were able and blessed enough to be able to tell stories of their beautiful day with their children. The emotions that attack us on a daily basis are unpredictable.

Father’s Day came and gone in an instant, I got John a beautiful Father’s Day card with a hand written message inside about our son, the difficulty of today is for him, and his admirable strength and love, and a couple gift cards to his favorite things.

I think what really upset John before Father’s Day is when he was having a normal conversation with a perfect stranger. When you hear a person speak extremely poorly of their own children and advise you to never have any, and seem completely ungrateful, you can imagine the rage sparking in a soul that has lost a child of his own. As I would have had a difficult time holding back my true thoughts, I don’t know how John did it.

All in all, the day was difficult, we got through it, and made it into a beautiful day. But then again, every day is a struggle when you’re dealing with child loss, and like I said before, it is truly unpredictable.

We knew Gio was right by our side on Sunday, celebrating John as a Dad, and as always, rooting for us. =)

Feelings Are Unpredictable

Wow. two post in a day? Who am I ?

I am really struggling today. The days have become unpredictable anymore. It’s frustrating when I simply can not get a handle on how I’m feeling. I can be happy, positive, and uplifting for days on end, but wake up time and time again, what feels like weeks of complete sadness, and misery. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t enjoy wondering what tomorrow will bring.

I can barely deal with my crazy antics, and I don’t know how John deals with me either. Some days, I feel so bi polar, I’m not sure whether its temporary, or if these feelings will ever go away. All I can think about is my anger, and my son today. I have a feeling it has to do with  recent tragedy, that struck in my neighborhood.

A beautiful couple in my neighborhood recently welcomed their twins in the month of May, and one of them passed this week. I don’t know the details, but all I can feel is their heartache and agony, and its just a reminder of the day me and John lost Giovanni. It kills me inside knowing that other people in this world are going through what we have went through. I would not want my worst enemy to know what it feels like to lose a child.

I wish their was something that I could do to ease their pain, but its impossible. Something someone said to me that stuck with me when my son passed was, ” I know you have heard everything that their is to say already Christine, but the truth is, is that its just shitty. This whole situation, is just shitty.” I don’t know why, but its just one of those things that I will always remember, because everyone who reached out were more than compassionate, but the person who truly said this, really hit the nail on the head on how we really felt. Her words felt so true, and I could tell she really put herself in my shoes.

It’s so bizarre to me, that our neighbors just a few steps away, have had a similar experience. An experience that is so heart wrenching, an experience, that I didn’t even truly recognize until it happened to me. Neighbors that I truly don’t even know, but at the same time, I feel like I know exactly how they are feeling. Its a weird feeling, when you feel such a strong connection to complete strangers. All I can do is pray for peace of mind, for both of them in the upcoming months ahead. My heart is with them and their angel.

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Summer Time Lovin

Hey ya’ll!

Were finally in the month of June, and its FINALLY starting to feel like summer. What I’ve been up to lately is working at the coffee house, but when I’m not, I’ve been proudly getting into my yoga again, and trying to learn new vegan recipes to cook.

This weekend, I finally had off from work, and was spending time with my 12 year old niece, ( she lives with us) while my parents were down the shore for the weekend. So we learned to bake vegan brownies-YUM! IMG_8857

For dinner we had Sweet Potato/Black Bean Quesadilla’s and Corn on the Cob! Didn’t come out as bad as I thought. It was a pain cooking the HUGE Sweet potato enough to mash it! IMG_8854

Hey, at least John ate it, and seemed to enjoy it. I’d say its a winner! Before going vegan, I NEVER cooked. Then, when I realized I had to figure out how to make actual meals without using pre-packaged meat, or dairy, eggs, fish, I kind of had no choice, but to learn how to cook delicious vegan food.

Today, it looks like Layla, (my niece) will be going in the pool, ( she would live in their if she had a choice) considering it was suppose to rain all day, it looks like it might pass! For me, maybe I’ll start reading tis book I just purchased at Barnes and Nobles. A friend of mine suggested it, because she had mentioned it had comforted her when her child had passed.  It’s called “Imagine Heaven.”

Sometimes I forget how nice it is to have company because I’m so used to being alone, doing things a certain way, its like I’m a cranky old lady, whose settled into her set ways. Having Layla spend time in the apartment with me, John and the dogs, definitely switches up our normal dynamics, but in a good way. It gives me a perspective of what it would be like to have a child in our home.

Time for coffee, breakfast, and a positive day ahead of me. Have a nice weekend everyone. =)