May 13th 2015 was, and will continue to be, the worst day of my entire life.
John and I found out I was pregnant with our first child a week after Thanksgiving. The excitement and love we already had for our unborn child was indescribable. I finally felt a purpose in my life, and thought I was destined to be a mommy.
Months passed, my belly was growing, and we announced our pregnancy to our family, friends, and social media. Every ultra sound, and Doctor’s appointment we went to was excellent. Our baby was right on track, perfect heart beat, very active. My 20 week check up is when the ultra sound tech found that I had something called, Placenta Previa. Placenta Previa is a condition in which the placenta partially or wholly blocks the neck of the uterus, thus interfering with normal delivery of a baby.
It was a little hiccup in our journey, and our Doctor told us it could go back to normal in the upcoming months,but if it doesn’t, I would need a C section. I had to watch my activity. No lifting anything 40 lbs or over, no vacuuming, and no exercising. I was now a ” high risk” pregnancy, which made me nervous, but was told not to worry. A month or so later, I finally finished my baby registry, set a date for my baby shower, and began to envision where his crib will go, clothes, furniture etc. Things were coming together nicely, and we were so excited. My date of delivery would have been August 10th.
Babies R Us was now my favorite website, I loved anything that had to do with babies and motherhood. John and I loved feeling every kick. Giovanni was moving constantly throughout the day, and I was in pure glory. Mother’s Day came around, and it was absolutely beautiful celebrating with family. On May 12th I noticed Gio was not as active, and I started getting concerned. I drank some orange juice, and tried different positions to get him moving.
Finally, I would feel a little flutter once in a while, which reassured me, he was alright! In the middle of the night, I had woken up from a terrible nightmare. I had a dream that my baby died, and it was the most vivid dream I had ever experienced. I couldn’t go back to sleep, and stayed up all night, waiting for my GYN office to open, so that I may call because I was so concerned. I had the worst feeling that something was not right. I didn’t want to worry John, I told him to go to work, everything was probably fine, but I just wanted to make sure.
I had no idea what I was about to endure.
When I called the Doctor’s office that morning, I was urged to go to the hospital right away. My parent’s didn’t want me going by myself, and John was already at work which was 45 minutes away. We made our way to the hospital, my Dad stayed in the waiting room, and my Mom came with me. I laid on the hospital bed, and one of the nurses put a device around belly to find my son’s heart beat. We couldn’t hear anything, and my heart started racing. The nurse had mentioned, that this particular device may not be as sensitive, and could just be having a tough time finding his heart beat.
She took the device off and left the room. I noticed her talking to the other nurses, and soon enough, I had three nurses in my room. They brought in another sonographer, and she began trying to find the heart beat.
I squeezed my Mom’s hand, My heart beating out of my chest, it was beating so hard. Every part of my body began to tremble, and I could feel my world closing in on me. The nurse looked at me, and I heard the worst two words I could every hear. ” I’m sorry.” I screamed for my Mom, like a child who needed her mother. The crying and screaming was so loud, but I felt like no one could hear me. My nightmare became my reality. I lost him.
In an instant, my son was gone.
I never knew I could feel so much pain. I screamed and cried for John, knowing I still had to tell him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get the words out, that my Mom had to take my phone and deliver the news. Once John arrived, we just held each other and cried. John was, and is still my strength. Realizing I still had to deliver my lifeless son was terrifying. Then, I realized after another ultra sound, I wasn’t given the opportunity, because of the Placenta Previa and a low platelet count which could cause me to bleed out, putting me in danger. I was forced to deliver my son by C section and I had to be put under because of the concern of hemorrhaging.
I had my surgery, and an hour later I awoke to a stitched up belly, with emptiness. Hoping it was all just a terrible nightmare, I once again realized my harsh reality. My baby died. Finally, John brought me our beautiful baby boy. The most gorgeous face I had ever seen. Dark curly hair, so peaceful looking, like an angel. My angel. I held my son, lifeless, and wasn’t given the chance to look into his bright beautiful eyes. So much love and support from family and friends poured in, and me and John were so grateful to have such a great support system.
Doctor’s never found out why Giovanni’s heart stopped beating, and that will kill me for the rest of my life. I was in the hospital for 4 or 5 days because my liver function test came out abnormal, and we never found out why either, but it eventually went back to normal. When I arrived home, my milk came in, my body was ready to nourish my growing baby, but I had no baby to feed. Leaving the hospital without our son, and throwing away all of our dreams for him will haunt me forever. What I have left of him is memories, and pictures. I was 27 weeks pregnant when I found out Giovanni passed away. I don’t know if I’ll ever be blessed with more children one day, but I know I can’t go through the heartache of losing another child.
I will always wonder ” what if” I did things different. What could I have done differently? If I hadn’t waited so long to call the Doctor, would my son be here with us still? The Doctor’s judged that he had passed some time in the middle of the night. Apart of me died, the day my son died, and I will never feel complete without him. Giovanni Evola passed away May 13th 2015, and will forever be my angel. I love you to infinity baby boy.